An Open Letter: 17 Powerful Lessons for Teenage Me

This isn’t a lighthearted read. I’m touching on child abuse, bullying, EDs, and consent/SA (nothing explicitly mentioned). I think it’s a valuable read for anyone who’s been through any of these, especially if you’re still dealing with the after-effects. Even if it’s just to know you’re not alone.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to meet a lovely teen who was travelling on the same train as me. We got talking about our lives, upbringings, and brains. We had a lot in common. I gave him a couple of pieces of advice, and this inspired me to write this article.

I know 18-year-old me would be very proud of who I am today. A lot has changed in ten years, and through hard work, I’m a different person than I was even two years ago. There are several things I wish I’d known earlier, and they probably would have made a vast difference in the trajectory of my life.

Listen to how you talk to yourself

This is a new one I’m still wrestling with. Did you know it’s not normal to call yourself an effing idiot when you drop a fork? Calling yourself disgusting when you’ve got a bit of extra fat? Telling yourself that you’re useless when you slightly screw something up? This is destructive to your self-esteem.

We absorb the words we hear about us. If you were bullied or abused as a kid, your self-talk is probably going to be appalling. If I created a ratio for nice to horrible things I was saying to myself a year ago, it was probably 10:90 on a good day. My therapist drew my attention to it, and I gradually started changing the way I spoke to myself when I made mistakes.

Instead of chastising myself for not doing something properly, I’d sarcastically tell myself, “you tried”. Now, that sarcasm has largely changed into compassionate, non-sarcastic “you tried”. That’s amazing progress!

Listen to your self-talk. How many of those words are from the bullies in your life?

You are the fool inside my head
But I wear the crown
You are the demon under my bed
But you better hide

Never ignore your gut feeling or red flags

Growing up with toxic, abusive people tends to give you a fantastic sense for that behaviour in other people. However, these people also gaslight you and make you doubt yourself. Being riddled with self-doubt is incredibly common after abuse, and it can push you into ignoring your body’s signals. Don’t. These signals keep you out of tricky situations with nasty people. If you ever get that gut feeling, that horrible, sinking “oh shit” moment, listen to it.

“Red flags” have become widely discussed over the past few years. They range from simple things, like someone not respecting your time, to a partner who controls what you wear and who you see. You need to be able to look objectively at the people in your life and see their crappy behaviours.

Second chances are overrated. People make mistakes, but toxic people thrive on your self-doubt that allows them those second, third, fourth chances. Respect yourself enough to cut terrible people out of your life. Toxic people have burned me a few times after I ignored my gut instincts and the red flags. Now I know that feeling of “this person is bad news” is worth listening to.

They taught you to doubt yourself, now learn how to trust yourself.

Bottling up your feelings doesn’t make you strong

Emotional regulation is important, but there’s a big difference between not crying over minor difficulties and not crying over your trauma. One result of trauma is an inability to regulate your emotions.

Often, people who have been through trauma will be diagnosed with BPD, when they’re suffering from Complex PTSD. They present similarly with emotional dysregulation, impulsive/destructive behaviour, and difficulties with relationships, amongst other symptoms.

It’s easy to mask these emotions and symptoms, deny them to yourself and your loved ones, but it’s not healthy for you to not express or process them. It doesn’t serve your best interests or help you move past your pain.

In my teens and early adulthood, I would cry at the drop of a hat. Literally. I recall dropping something trivial like my keys and crying about it. I’d often get overwhelmed by a build-up of minor issues (this still happens, but very occasionally), and I really struggled to regulate my emotions. I became more aware of this, and to a degree, it’s really helpful to laugh off silly things like dropping keys! But I went a little too far, and I’d often not let myself cry over big things either. There is a happy medium.

I spent years bottling up my emotions to the point where my ex-husband had no idea how bad my mental health was, even after we’d been together for nearly a decade. Perhaps that says something about his neglectful behaviour too, but I have always wanted to appear “strong”, in control, and I’ve never wanted to upset other people with my sadness. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life now who have seen me cry, and I don’t think that’s a good thing.

Crying isn’t a bad thing, and minor difficulties are a great chance to build up your emotional stability.

It wasn’t your fault

Victim-blaming is the go-to response in our culture, and we internalise it. Many of us have been through things we didn’t consent to, and it’s so easy to fall into blaming ourselves for what happened. If only we’d said “no” louder, clearer, forcefully. Maybe if we hadn’t worn those clothes, glanced in their direction for a second too long… The list goes on, and ultimately, stop.

It wasn’t your fault. It’s on them; they’re the awful person, not you. Therapy is vital because these incidents shake your trust on a monumental level. You may not talk about it for years because you’re ashamed, but when you’re ready, people want to hear your voice. Breaking your silence is so important for you, your loved ones, other people who have suffered similar, and society.

Consent is so important, and enthusiastic consent is even better. Don’t harass someone if they’re not thrilled to be in your presence. “No” is not a challenge. Ask questions and genuinely listen and care about the answers, whether that’s before or during sex, or in life in general. We all have a responsibility to not be awful people, and always call out our friends’ shitty behaviour.

What someone did to you without your consent is not your fault.

On the darkest of days
Your voice might make me crawl
But not today
Hear my voice as I stand tall

Ask for help

Not asking for help is another thing that doesn’t make you strong. It’s great to be independent, but sometimes people know how to do things better than you. They have more experience, and there’s no shame in holding your hands up and admitting you’re out of your depth. You can’t know how to do everything, no one does! I’m a writer, not a plumber, so why do I feel shame asking for help from a qualified tradesman to sort out my sink?!

Asking for help is a lesson I’m still wrestling with. After being told for years that I was stupid, useless, (basically enter any insult here), asking for help became a point of shame. I didn’t want to appear incompetent or stupid to others. Growing up, I often felt like an inconvenience. Realistically, no one is going to think you’re stupid because you don’t know where a train platform is, and they won’t feel inconvenienced over a quick 30-second chat. And if they do, that says more about them than you.

Asking for help is brave.

Get into therapy

I often wonder where I’d be if I’d jumped into therapy as soon as I moved out of my childhood home. I try not to dwell on this, but seeing the progress I’ve made in two years at 28 makes me think how different my life would have turned out if I’d done it at 19. My partner often refers to the butterfly effect, and that’s important for me to remember.

If you’ve been through trauma, abuse, or your mental health is a struggle, please talk to a professional. In the UK, the NHS offers CBT and other therapies for free, and it’s worth getting onto waiting lists as soon as possible. I haven’t been fortunate enough to use free services; I had to go private, and while my bank account hasn’t enjoyed it, it’s worth it for who I am now.

Unless you’re shockingly self-aware (I’m a huge overthinker, so I’m very self-aware, for better or worse), you will have issues that you’re not even conscious of. Cognitive distortions, fear of conflict, people-pleasing, the list goes on. I was totally unaware that I didn’t know what my needs were or how to express them! That’s a scary realisation for a 27-year-old, and it explained a lot about my relationship issues and emotions.

Talk to a professional as soon as you can, please. Years of damage require years of healing.

Your eating habits won’t improve without help

If you’re an emotional eater, restricter, or binger, you need to talk to someone and get a handle on it. I’ve been everything from worryingly underweight to worryingly obese (still stuck there!) and it’s not good for your body or your self-esteem. Being unable to have chocolate in the house because you know you’re going to slam it all into your face at the next opportunity is not healthy.

I’m still yet to get a handle on my eating habits, and I can see this being a lifelong issue. My food was restricted as a kid, and there was tasty food in the house which I wasn’t allowed to eat. There was also constant chatter about our money issues (just what a kid needs to know, thanks). This has created a terrible scarcity issue for me, even as an adult who can afford to eat whatever I want within reason (my IBS doesn’t agree), whenever I want, and buy it too! Trying to rationalise with the little kid in my brain that wants to eat now, obsesses over it, and won’t take no for an answer is a losing battle for me.

Your eating habits are formed so early on; they’re ingrained. Talk to someone about it, properly.

Family isn’t everything, and people won’t understand

If you had a traumatic upbringing, your feelings towards your family are probably a confusing, mixed bag. You’ve got society telling you that your parents love you, that family is the most important thing, and that you need to forgive. Guess what? None of those things are true.

Not everyone’s parents love them. People don’t want to hear this as it destroys their happy worldview, but it’s a fact. Some parents are terrible people and abuse their children. Others are emotionally neglectful and unavailable. Becoming a parent doesn’t automatically make someone a good, well-adjusted person. If you’re one of the lucky ones with fantastic parents, then good for you. I’m incredibly pleased that you had a fantastic start to life, and you can maintain a relationship with your creators. Not all of us are as fortunate as you, so please stop throwing your perspective around and respect others’ viewpoints. Don’t invalidate their experiences because yours was great.

Look at it this way: your parents are the people in your life who you cherish the most, the very people who you are biologically and societally programmed to love. Imagine how much pain they would have to put you through for you to cut them off. A lot, right? So, people aren’t cutting off their parents and family for fun; they’re probably carrying a lot of trauma. Respect their choices.

I go on this mini tirade because I’ve had far too many enablers of terrible behaviour come to me and tell me I need to forgive, that it wasn’t that bad, that the alcohol was to blame. No. It’s simply shitty, emotionally underdeveloped people that had no business procreating.

If you had those parents, I understand. Your feelings of sorrow, anger, grief, and so much more are entirely justified. Create your own family from friends and partners that love, respect, and nurture you. That’s what I did, and my life is so much better for it! The comfort that comes from knowing I’ll never let those people near me again is priceless. I can’t explain the mental and physical relief I feel.

Create your own family, whoever that may be. You can’t trust your biological one to treat you right.

I offer you this final dance
Resounding in the darkest night
Show me your final reverence
Without you, I’ll be alright

Breaking the cycle is important

If you had a bad upbringing, your modelling for relationships and parenting isn’t good. Many parents abuse their children because they were abused themselves, and they repeat the dynamics of their childhood household. It’s the parents’ responsibility to heal themselves before they have children. Passing on toxic traits and generational trauma isn’t honourable.

Lots of people will say, “Oh, they had a terrible childhood, forgive them.” So, I’m supposed to forgive someone who knows what they put me through? They fully understand the pain and damage they’ve caused me because they’ve experienced it themselves… and I’m supposed to forgive that?! (Seriously, the knots people tie themselves into trying to invalidate parental trauma.)

So, either choose not to have kids or get yourself into therapy. Be brave enough to talk about your upbringing and the way it’s affected you. It’s incredibly courageous to admit you’re flawed, and it’s much better to understand that now. Don’t screw up another generation by putting them through what you dealt with because you’re too proud or scared to deal with your past.

Understand the flaws your childhood left you with. If you want children, deal with your struggles before having them.

You will trust again

If you’re told during your formative years that everyone is a threat, that they will hurt you, you internalise that. Everyone becomes a threat, and the simplest thing will put you on edge. Someone is looking at me? Great, I guess they want to murder me.

When the people who are supposed to protect you and love you the most in the world regularly betray your trust, it can be a really hard thing to process. Trust can seem like an absurd concept. Bullying can be a hard thing to get past too, but I promise it will happen. I shut myself off from new friendships for nearly a decade, and I wish I’d given humanity a chance sooner.

Some people will earn your trust, and they will be so special to you.

Love isn’t conditional

This is another recent lesson for me, sadly. Years of hot and cold behaviour, regular silent treatment, and cycles of love and hate from parents mess up your brain. I realised last year I believed love was conditional. I thought it was normal to think your partner hated you after asking them to sleep on the sofa for snoring! Turns out, that’s not how people typically think, and that’s not how love works. He didn’t hate me; why would he?

Love being unconditional was a revolutionary thought for me, and that’s depressing. It made me reflect on the screwed-up way I was treated to feel that way about love.

Love doesn’t switch on and off like a tap with someone who isn’t abusive.

So many years have passed
With you by my side
So many tears have fallen
That I won’t get back

People care about you and your opinions

Maybe you’ve been told to shut up one too many times. That your interests are boring, no one cares. I lived that for over two decades. Guess what? People do care about you, your interests and your opinions. It’s only the shitty people you’ve dealt with who don’t. They’re often jealous or don’t like the fact you have an opinion or hobby when they have empty, boring lives.

I was used to an eye roll and “So what? Who cares?” when I’d talk about things I loved. So, I apologised to a friend for talking so much about a song I loved. I was absolutely stunned when I noticed him beaming at me. He just said, “I love it when you talk about things you’re passionate about!”. My childhood best friend has said the same since, and when you have the right people in your life, they care, and they will build you up!

Your favourite things and your voice matter. You matter.

It’s not healthy to not argue with your boyfriend

I wore it as a badge of honour that I’d not argued with my ex-husband for about five or six years. Guess what was actually going on during that time? I was so dissatisfied; I just didn’t express it because I feared conflict. He did too, so he wouldn’t express his dissatisfaction either! While a relationship with no arguments or disagreements can look healthy to onlookers, with “Oh, I wish we got on as well as you did!” and the likes, it’s not. Conflict is healthy.

Part of my lack of expression came from the fact I didn’t understand my needs. This happens when people invalidate you from birth, so you constantly push your feelings and needs down. I was making it worse for myself by not arguing! Arguing may be too strong a word, but heated discussions are so valuable to a relationship. It shows you’re both invested in it.

Conflict can be terrifying if you were brought up in a dysfunctional household. Conflict can look like screaming matches, slammed doors, and even a raised fist. But when two people love each other in a healthy way, conflict is actually more like saying, “Hey, can we talk, please? I don’t feel like my needs are getting met anymore, and I want to talk it out with you.” Most people will be proud of you for expressing yourself and not just bottling up your dissatisfaction.

Conflict is not scary with the right person. Your needs are important; express them.

You know my heart
We are the same, but today
I want you to go away

My lullaby, sweet and sour
Destruction and denial

Pay isn’t everything in a job

Money is nice, but your sanity is even nicer. Don’t take shit from an abusive boss just because they’re giving you a handsome pay packet. Small companies are the worst for this as there’s no HR department to keep the egomaniacs in line. Dictatorial managers are the worst, and you will dread every workday. You’ll be scared to pass on a message of bad news. You’ll constantly be walking on eggshells and scared they’ll flip. Are they going to fire me for a perceived slight? Scream at me?

If you had this dynamic in your childhood, you’re going to be used to this behaviour, as unprofessional as it is. Someone throwing their weight around can look very similar to a parent who’s acted the same way, and you’re going to be scared of what they can do to you. There will be triggers aplenty.

Your mental health is more important than an impressive salary.

Face your fears

This is a big one for me. I regret not facing my fears sooner because I’ve crafted two wonderful phobias in the past few years. They existed from a young age as a trauma response, but they’ve got worse with age. One of them rules my life, and it has made me feel like life isn’t worth living on several occasions. If I’d faced my fears head-on when I knew they were an issue, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in. I’ve consistently reinforced my fears and now I’m in this place where it’s going to take intensive, expensive work to get out of it. Great.

Face your fears. Don’t let something become the bane of your existence.

Medication isn’t shameful

But it may not solve your problems. Some people look down upon medication for mental health issues. Evidence being those crappy “all you need is nature!” memes. Yeah, if trees would solve my anxiety, I’d eat a whole one. Guess what? It’s the result of two decades of trauma and literal chemical changes to my brain and its neuroplasticity that’s the issue, not my lack of forests. Don’t get me wrong, I love a woodland walk and I feel regenerated afterwards, but my issues are still there. A few leaves and a pleasant breeze won’t fix PTSD.

Medication can be amazing for some people, others need it to survive, and others don’t get on with it. I’ve tried a few, and while they’ve had some positive effects on me, there have been side effects that are too much to handle. I felt elated when I was on Citalopram for two months last year, but the tinnitus and constant sweating were not it. I looked like I’d fallen in a river most of the time!

Medication needs to be combined with therapy, and that’s hard work. But it’s worth it!

Real love is different from movie “love”

Where to begin with this one? The over-sexualisation, the love bombing, the casual stalking?

Relationships aren’t 24/7, good-to-look-at sex. Performative sex is just that. After a couple of years, relationships are mostly full of everyday things with some sweaty, ugly quickies thrown in. Cooking together and snuggling up watching a film are two of the many pleasures of a stable relationship. Love isn’t constant fireworks and excitement; it’s trust, comfort, and safety.

The rollercoaster ride of a rom-com is not it. The highs and lows are unhealthy; any partner who makes you feel like you’re toeing the line between hot and cold needs therapy. It’s not a natural part of a relationship to wonder if someone loves you or not. Instability, feeling on edge, and constant break-ups in a relationship are not normal. Love bombing someone with an immediate proposal, lavish gift or holiday is a massive red flag in real life; it’s not romantic!

Rom-coms glamourise stalking. It’s cute that the guy follows her home and leaves flowers on her doorstep when she doesn’t even know him! It’s so sweet that he’s persistent and won’t take no for an answer! Wow, he’s a hopeless romantic chasing her after she broke up with him and got a restraining order.

Get out. No means no. Stalking is creepy. No woman wants to open her door to some random flowers from a guy she doesn’t know. Ew. Stop it. A woman’s mind isn’t for changing; stop thinking you can easily persuade us with empty gestures and pressure.

A stunning example of love gone wrong is You, (I’m not insulting you, don’t worry), an American thriller series. It shows all the classic rom-com stuff, but it’s reframed as the toxic, horrifying mess it actually is. Round of applause to its creators, even if it’s an agonising show to watch!

Real love is stable, safe, and comfortable. Rollercoaster rides belong at the theme park.

I offer you this final dance
Open your eyes in silence
Watch me rise

Well, this was therapeutic to write! I truly hope it helps you look at your experiences in a new light. If you need help or just someone to listen to you, please talk to someone you trust. Don’t bottle up your struggles or feelings. It doesn’t serve you in the long run, and if you came from a similar background to me, you’ve already had enough invalidation and pain to last a lifetime.

The beautiful lyrics throughout are Ad Infinitum — Maleficent. A lot of their music touches on feelings I relate to, and this one felt perfect here. A true ode to my lyric-loving emo teenage self!