Your new love interest is super intense. What gives? Is this love-bombing?
There’s one genre of film I have a huge issue with: romcoms. If you’ve spent any time watching these films, you might be wondering where the hell your fairytale ending is. Why don’t the people I’m interested in sweep me off for a lovely romantic weekend in Venice? Why don’t they leave huge bouquets on my doorstep? Why haven’t they proposed to me within a month?!
Okay, the last one is a joke (I hope).
Still, most people love the idea of being swept off their feet and being treated like the prince or princess they are! This is especially true if you’ve had shitty relationships previously where you’ve been neglected or downright abused.
But romcoms normalise the shittiest behaviours, like stalking, jealousy, and love-bombing. Whirlwind romances are apparently the only way a relationship can start. And blazing rows are par for the course! Jealousy and stalking are so cute. *insert eye roll here*
These films prime us for abusive behaviours that we might not even identify as problematic because they’re so normalised. But it’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it’s actually quite scary. I’m addressing one of these toxic behaviours today: love-bombing.
So, what is love-bombing?
There’s a difference between love-bombing and the initial excitement/honeymoon phase of a relationship. Love-bombing happens very quickly, and it’s super intense. It can feel incredibly overwhelming.
Within the first week or two, they’ll throw excessive compliments at you and promise awesome things. They may even be giving you lavish gifts like huge bouquets, jewellery, and planning holidays.
Let’s break love-bombing tactics into six points:
Extravagant gifts
You’ve been speaking for three weeks, and they’ve bombarded you with bouquets and booked plane tickets for a week-long holiday in Spain? Uh-oh! These gifts don’t come from the goodness of their heart; they want you to feel like you owe them. If you’re indebted to them, you’re easier to manipulate.
“I took you on holiday, and you don’t even have the decency to message me back immediately?”
“I bought you a diamond necklace, and you won’t cancel on your friend you haven’t seen for three years? You’re so selfish.”
The worst part? You didn’t even want these gifts, and now they’re a bargaining chip.
They’re constantly in contact with you
While constant texting can feel nice, especially if you’re lonely, it may feel smothering and one-sided. If you ask for space and they ignore your boundary and manipulate you, get out. Boundary violators will ignore pretty much any “no” and attempt to coerce you into whatever they want through guilt trips or force. This study demonstrated how narcissists are more likely to sexually coerce their partners. (Discretion is advised if you have prior trauma.)
Being in constant contact also makes it really easy for them to use this as a manipulation tactic. You said something they didn’t like? They’ll ignore you for a few hours or a day to let your self-doubt set in. “Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have said that? What if they don’t like me anymore?” Maybe you’ll start changing the subject, apologising, or trying to get their attention in other ways. The silent treatment is a powerful weapon at their disposal.
Excessive compliments
Again, it’s lovely to hear that you’re a great, attractive person. But love-bombing takes it a step further. You’re the best person they’ve ever known. You’re perfect! They love everything about you.
They’re putting you on a pedestal. It isn’t a nice place to be. How can you possibly live up to someone’s initial expectations of you 24/7? How exhausting would it be to try and be perfect forever? What even is perfect?
We’re soulmates
This is a classic. They try to convince you that destiny brought you together. You’re twin flames, soulmates, whatever you want to call it. You’ve been on one date, and they say that you must be twin flames. You know them better than anyone.
Your partner of ten years calling you soulmates is really sweet.
Your love interest deciding you’re made for each other after one date? Nope. Out you get!
Commitment
While some people have commitment issues, love-bombers are the opposite. They’ll be talking about marriage or moving in far too quickly. You’ll be caught off-guard, and it might feel completely inappropriate, especially after two weeks. You can’t know you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them after only a fortnight, so this is a clear manipulation tactic.
“Hey, my lease is ending next month; maybe we should move in together?”
Fine after two years, not after two weeks!
Me, me, me!
They’ll want your undivided attention. This comes with constant messaging, calling, whatever. They might act put out and be jealous when you talk about spending time with other people. It can come across as super needy as well.
Here’s another place where they may not respect your boundaries or commitments. You might have plans with your best friend, but they’ll offer a much more appealing, luxurious date to try and turn your head. This plays into yet another abusive tactic, isolation. (But that’s for another day.)
Hopefully, your gut instinct has noticed that these behaviours are pretty weird and intense, even with all the “love.” Listen to that gut feeling.
They’ll keep the love-bombing phase up for 6–12 weeks before things start to change. Some stop even sooner than that. If they manage to hook you into living with them or committing in some way after a month, the “love” is pretty much guaranteed to end there and then. After this, things get dangerous.
Why do toxic people love-bomb?
Quite simply: manipulation.
Many people have been through shitty relationships that have ruined their self-esteem. Something as simple as your responses to this person’s compliments can be a great insight for them.
“You’re so beautiful.”
“Haha, I’m really not!”
Great, they’ve identified you have low self-esteem. You’re the perfect candidate for love-bombing and further abuse. They can easily manipulate you with empty promises, exquisite experiences and gifts, and endless compliments. It’s a great way for them to get whatever they want from you, whether sex, money, connections, or crushing your soul. Yep, some people enjoy destroying other people for fun. I’ll talk about malignant narcissists another day. Lucky you.
Why does love-bombing work?
Who doesn’t want to hear how amazing they are and feel appreciated? They’ll say and do things for you that you’ve never encountered before. “Wow, this person is amazing. I’m so lucky!” Now you’re totally drawn in.
The people around you will see these beautiful messages, gifts, and everything else, and you’ll hear things like, “Wow, you’ve got a keeper there!”
It looks so great on the surface. Once again, romcoms really play into this being romantic and special. Who doesn’t want to be serenaded on the beach with champagne at sunset? But realistically, who the fuck does this stuff for the first or second date? Wouldn’t you be at least slightly side-eyeing the person rushing your sibling off to Barcelona for a romantic weekend after a fortnight? And if you’re not, I am slightly jealous of your trust in other people. But naivety is how these people sneak in unnoticed.
Other red flags to look out for
Of course, love-bombing in isolation could just be a very intense person. But if you’re having doubts about this behaviour, look out for these things:
Devaluing and “jokes”
The stage after love-bombing in narcissistic abuse is devaluation. Even in the love-bombing phase, they may say harsh things that take you aback. Hearing something offensive can be very jarring when you’re used to sweet compliments. Of course, they’ll be a “joke” or “just teasing”. What’s commonly known as “negging” is something to look out for.
Here are some examples:
- Backhanded compliments: “Great job completing your degree! Shame it’s in a useless field.”
- “Constructive” criticism: “I don’t wanna ruin your day, but that dress makes you look fat.”
- One-upping: “Yeah, it’s great you did that, but I did it way faster.”
- Comparison: “If only you looked as good as your best friend.”
- Insults posed as questions: “Wow, you’re not really going to eat all of that, are you?”
If you respond (like anyone would) with shock, upset, or anger, they’ll say you’re overreacting, too sensitive, and call it a joke. This is an element of gaslighting.
The devaluation phase is painful. They replace the beautiful compliments with finding your faults. Their mask has well and truly slipped. Maybe they’re not even a nice person at all!
But your brain is hooked on the love-bombing. “What did I do wrong? How can I get that intense, loving phase back?” You can’t: it was never really them, just a great facade they used to draw you in. You’re not really in control here. If you start voicing your discontent and try to leave, they might turn the charm back on again. Those flowers might start turning up once more. But as soon as you’re back and fully invested, the mask slips once more.
The love-bombing phase is never permanent. They replace it with hatred and serious damage to your self-esteem. They’ll happily cycle back and forth through these two phases, but it becomes more dangerous each time. Trauma bonding is real and terrifying. It’s best not to let it reach this stage. Get out while it’s still seemingly okay and you have enough self-respect to protect yourself from constant belittling and your bank account from therapy bills. Trust me, I know about therapy bills.
Asking you lots of deep questions about yourself
Of course, this isn’t a huge issue on its own as many people love getting to know each other this way. But when combined with love-bombing, it can be a good indicator that something isn’t quite right.
When they show an interest in deeper stuff, you might think, “Wow, they’re so into me!” Perhaps they’re actually looking for your insecurities. Here’s a great example:
If you’re texting, and you reveal something about yourself that’s vulnerable and something they consider a weakness, they’ll capitalise on that. Whether that’s asking more probing questions to find out more or ignoring you for a little while to make you question yourself, this is another flag to look out for.
Narcissists love self-doubt. It’s how they get you to stick around. “Oh, my best friend said that they don’t seem like a nice person, and they’re getting weird vibes. I had a gut feeling too, but they’re so nice, I’m gonna just ignore it!”
It might be fleeting, but don’t ignore that gut feeling. It exists to protect you.
Mirroring
Mirroring is a normal behaviour we use unconsciously. However, it’s also a narcissistic tactic where they pretend to love everything you love. It’s a great way to bond. You might think you have so much in common. Actually, they’re just using your hobbies and the things you love as a way to get in. They’ll start to mock the things you love in the devaluing phase.
“Oh, you want to go to that gig? But that band’s shit. What? I never said I liked them. Don’t talk shit!”
Narcissists typically lack any real identity, so taking on yours isn’t a struggle for them. They can’t empathise or get close to people without manipulation, so mirroring is a perfect strategy.
Promising you the world
“Future faking” is another classic element, and this comes into play over a whole relationship, not just the love-bombing phase. This is really where the romcom aspect kicks in. It might seem like they’re promising you a fairytale future! Well, that’s because it is a fairytale. It’s all BS to keep you hooked and keep getting what they need from you.
“Oh, I can’t leave them because they promised we’d go to the Bahamas! Yeah, I know we still haven’t been yet, and there are no plans, but they said we would.”
Examples include:
- An amazing holiday in New York where they’ll propose to you at the top of the Empire State Building.
- You’re going to name your first child or dog after your grandmothers! (Sorry, but Elizabeth Florence isn’t happening with this person.)
- They’ve promised you an amazing new car in a year, but they can’t stop spending their money on frivolous stuff, and they’re deep in debt.
Not taking responsibility or apologising
This is quite a general red flag (and one that I pay so much attention to).
Say they’re late for your date because they didn’t leave on time. They’ll create many excuses to avoid saying, “Sorry, I left too late to get here on time. I’ll keep a better eye on the clock next time!” They will not take responsibility.
One of the first Google autofill results for “Why don’t narcissists…” is “apologise”! It’s just not something they can do. They prefer to blame everyone else than deal with the “shame” of their shortcomings. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don’t want anyone to see them as less than perfect. Image is so important to them, so they’ll blame everything and everyone but themselves.
Emotionally healthy people want to patch up an issue as soon as possible, but narcissists don’t care. They have to stay in control, and if that’s at your expense, even better. They’re heavily emotionally stunted. You’re not getting an apology unless it benefits them.
What does your gut say?
Are your instincts screaming at you that something is at least a little bit fishy here? Even if you have the slightest concern, listen to it. Many victims of narcissistic abuse have ignored that gut feeling. Don’t be one of them. If it feels off, it most likely is. You don’t want to be questioning their every move or second-guessing your concerns.
How to counter love-bombing
I’d simply say “get out!” but I know most people prefer to give others a chance (second chances are dangerous, but we’ll leave that for now). So try these strategies to see if you’re dealing with a toxic person/narcissist or someone who’s just really frigging intense.
Boundaries
A great way to deal with love-bombing is to set boundaries. Even just saying “this is moving too quickly for me” can give you a great insight into the person. Do they accept your comment with grace and scale back their affections? Do they respect your boundary?
Another example: they’re trying to set up a date that’s a little too romantic, and you really want to scale it back without offending them. (Being too nice is probably something that comes naturally to you!) “Sorry, I’m busy that day, can we grab a coffee on Wednesday instead?” Do they accept you have the right to say no to their ideas? Or do they react with anger, guilt trips, or throw the silent treatment at you?
Be very wary of someone who can’t take a no. If they try and coerce you into agreeing or ignoring your boundaries, get out. These people are dangerous and don’t respect you.
Don’t accept expensive gifts/holidays
A major love-bombing tactic is gifting. This looks beautiful on the surface, but if you’re a few weeks into talking to someone and they’re trying to give you an overly expensive/personal gift or whisk you away to someone romantic, that is a red flag! Why? Because they’re trying to gain the upper hand. If they buy you a beautiful necklace in week two, you can be sure they’ll hold it over your head in a disagreement. You say no to sex one day? “I can’t believe you’d reject me like this after I bought you that expensive diamond necklace! You owe me!”
If you ever bring up the fact they forgot your birthday or anniversary, they’ll bring up a random romantic gift they gave you years ago.
“After all I’ve done for you!” is a disgustingly common manipulative phrase.
Stay grounded
If you’ve got low self-esteem and someone comes along and starts telling you how beautiful and amazing you are, you’re ripe for manipulation. Taking a step back and looking at the full picture, not just the compliments and gifts, can help you see red flags you might have ignored otherwise.
Things to look out for:
- Is this moving too fast for you?
- Are they pushing your boundaries? Do they respect “no”?
- Have they slipped in an insult here and there under the guise of teasing?
- Do you like them, or do you just like what they say and do?
- Do they genuinely apologise, or do they guilt trip you?
- Have you been in an abusive relationship before? Or did you have a horrible upbringing? You’re more likely to continue to get into abusive relationships as your “normal” is warped.
Talk to trusted people
Part of staying grounded is talking to the people you trust and love. They can hopefully give you an unbiased insight into the person, and it’s even better if they’ve dealt with a manipulative person before and recognised it. They’ll be able to smell these tactics a mile off. (I call it my narc-dar)
If you can afford it, speaking to a therapist/counsellor is also a great idea. They can give you their unbiased view on what’s happening and work on any underlying issues you have, such as low-self esteem or codependency.
Abusers try to isolate their victims from family and friends because they don’t want them to have a support network or see what’s actually happening beneath that Instagram Valencia veneer. Keep talking to people you love. They are (usually) your biggest weapon against narcissistic abuse. Self-respect is the other. Love yourself like you love your best friend.
So, they have more red flags than China; how do you get out?
This part can be dangerous and tricky. If you’re enjoying all the intense attention, maybe you don’t even want to get out! But love-bombing is a precursor to terrible things.
First, if you accepted any gifts, return them if you can. A piece of jewellery is easy: just get it couriered to them. That’s one less piece of leverage they hold over you, and they can’t use it as an excuse to sneak back in. If it’s not safe for you to return a gift, get a friend or family member to do it for you.
Your family and friends are great here; they can help you get your belongings out and keep you safe and away. If you think you’re at risk of harm, you can also request a police escort for collecting your stuff.
When you leave this person, they’ll most likely try and get you back by “hoovering.” Literally, they try and suck you back in! You’ll see their lovely love-bomb facade all over again as they trick you into thinking they’ve changed. They haven’t. Generally, they can’t, not without intense therapy for years.
Block them, stay away. Don’t check their social media. It’s all a lie. They care about their appearance, so they’ll just show off their next love interest, who will get the same treatment as you. You just won’t be able to see the truth in their relationship as you’ve thankfully escaped. They’ve probably told their new partner that you’re “crazy” or “jealous”, so there’s little point warning them, and getting involved may retraumatise you if you’ve been involved for long enough. Stay away and live your life!
If you think you’re with someone who has narcissistic traits or you have been in the past, check out this subreddit for support.
And check out Dr Ramani’s YouTube channel. She’s a registered psychologist who specialises in narcissism. Educate yourself. You’ll be so grateful to yourself in years to come when you can spot red flags a mile off!
Here’s a relevant video from Dr Ramani:
This article isn’t to say that everyone who love-bombs intends to manipulate or abuse, but it’s a very common tactic to lure you in. What matters is the context around the love-bombing:
- Does it feel too intense? If you tell them this, do they respect that? Or do they get pushy and trample your very reasonable boundary?
- Do gifts feel transactional?
- Do you feel indebted to them?
- Is your gut saying something doesn’t feel right?
- Does this new relationship feel like a fairytale?
- Are they telling you that you’re their soulmate after two weeks?
- Are they asking you to move in within a month?
- Do they already want to marry you?
- Are they negging you and being hurtful?
- Are they calling you sensitive if you say they’re being hurtful?
- Are they actually being sensitive? Are you making benign comments, and they’re taking them as insults?
- What does your best friend say about this person?
Following on from that last point: a great way to look at any red flags is to imagine your best friend is recounting these experiences to you. What would you tell them to do? We often hold much higher standards for those around us, and we don’t want them to take any shit. So why should you? You deserve better than manipulation.
Love-bombing is a seemingly innocuous romcom thing, but it’s the first stage of something much, much darker. Get out and get them blocked before they have the chance to escalate and destroy your sense of self. No one is immune to narcissistic abuse.
I’ll be writing more about narcissism/narcissistic tactics in future. My main recommendation is to check out Dr Ramani’s channel, linked here again. It’s an absolute haven for information, and being educated is the best way to fight against this. Good luck avoiding the emotional vampires!
Don’t believe the romcoms.
