10 Changes in 10 Years — Part 2
I’m guessing people didn’t need a literal child to solve their problems.
This is the second part of my ten changes in ten years story. Part one provides a lot of context, so give that one a read first!
Let’s dive right into the other five changes. Warning: some of this reads like a very cathartic therapy session. (It was.) Maybe it’ll be helpful for you too, or perhaps you’ll hate it. *almost imperceptible shrug*
6. I stopped trying to save everyone
This one is heavily linked to therapy. From a young age, I was regularly the mediator, the problem-solver, the one who’d calm down heated situations, which sometimes included fists. I grew up thinking I’d be a great hostage negotiator. Jeeeeez, that must have been a healthy environment for a child!
“Funny” side note: Apparently, because I didn’t turn into a drug addict (just a food addict with a really fucked up brain), I had great parents. Very low bar to measure success with! Most people look at university and career stuff, but k.
Let’s ignore the fact I’ve deliberately avoided substances because that abuse runs in my family. And that I was the one who did all the hard work to turn my life into something, purely to spite them. Sure, it was all their doing! (Honestly, the mental gymnastics people go through to excuse parental abuse.)
In my teens, that dream role switched to being an agony aunt. I’d take on everyone’s problems and try to solve them. People I didn’t know would message me on MSN Messenger (those were the days, edgy lyrics and a heart for your crush of the week in your message), asking me for help with their random shit. During those years, I created an email or page somewhere so people could write to me with their problems. I don’t remember what happened to it, but I’m guessing people didn’t need a literal child to solve their problems.
I embraced my deep problem-solving need until very recently. Part of me feels like trying to solve everyone else’s problems was a way to ignore my own. To prove my value in people’s lives. Once I finally started addressing my issues in therapy, I realised that some people are genuinely beyond help or simply not my responsibility. I found it much easier to step back.
Of course, there have been situations (like friends in abusive relationships) where I’ve thrown all my energy into helping them get out. But generally, I’m more willing to let people make their own mistakes/wallow in their pit of misery instead of taking on their problems and emotions as my responsibility. I have far more mental energy now I’m not frantically trying to save people.
I’m also much better at addressing my problems now. I think that comes from self-respect and not being as willing to take shit from people now, including myself. Unfortunately, my anxiety is a whole other entity. Maybe I’ll start treating it like an estranged relative. Yep, that’s #8.
7. I escaped a well-paid, yet abusive job
I’m keeping this one short, sweet, and vague for several reasons.
Pro career tip: Money does not make up for an abusive dynamic that replicates what you’ve been through before.
I was seemingly so used to being mentally abused that I settled for it again for a loooong time. Before you wonder how they got away with it: small company = no HR. The money was nice enough to keep me comfortable and tolerating it while my friends and partner struggled on minimum wage. Essentially, I sold my soul and triggered my PTSD daily for some extra cash.
Said extra cash went into therapy sessions. I had regular panic attacks and toilet crying sessions. I saw a photo of my old workspace earlier and felt a knot in my stomach—the familiar dread. Then I remembered.
I never have to see that wretched place ever again. Ever. I celebrate my freedom every day. Get in. Out, actually. Thank absolute fuck.
#9 spills the beans on how I got out, don’t worry.
8. I went no contact with most of my family
I had an abusive upbringing. It seriously fucked me up, and it’s why I have several mental health disorders. It sucks. I delved into it more here.
Serious life tip: The things that helped me the most were educating myself on the abuse and learning radical acceptance. Understanding that they couldn’t and wouldn’t change was really eye-opening for me.
Suddenly, all the manipulation over 27 years was incredibly apparent. A few “recent” things off the top of my head:
- The only parental messages I’d get were guilt trips and complaints. I was free therapy while putting me in further need of therapy. No thanks.
- Messages laced with condescension.
- Triangulation was a serious weapon.
- They asked how my ex-husband was and told me they were disappointed I got divorced. All after trying to push their fucked up idea of loyalty on me, which is why we grew up in an abusive household in the first place. Ugh.
- They didn’t message me during the first lockdown to check if I was okay. Their first message was mid-April: “No birthday card :’(“ Real mature for a 63-year-old who knew I’d been no contact with my abuser for years!
- They blocked me when I (v. eloquently) confronted them about the abuse.
Imagine your mother blocking you. Feel that in your gut. Feel your heart crumple. That sent me into a downward spiral, and I started taking antidepressants for the first time in my life. That was a decade-long overdue call to the doctor, don’t get me wrong. But it was heart-wrenching to feel that much rejection from someone who is supposed to love and protect me. Luckily, my ex’s mum has been like a mother to me since we met nearly 13 years ago, and she was really supportive at the time (and still is) ❤
Heartfelt Vic tip: Someone’s relationship to you doesn’t excuse abuse of any kind. You’d rarely hear people saying “Oh, but they’re your partner, you need to forgive them for hitting you when you made them mad! So what if they called you a bitch? You probably deserved it!” but blood relatives get a different treatment. (I’ve heard this shit, by the way, and generally it’s only people who lack empathy and have sadistic traits… like the very people who abuse in the first place!)
Yeah, my parents brought me up, badly, with fear. Thanks for providing the basic essentials like an orphanage would! If you’re going through abuse, familial or otherwise, talk to someone. Don’t go through it alone, and don’t be afraid of saying “fuck this” and blocking everyone like I did if it’s safe for you to do so. The freedom is incredible, and I finally feel empowered.
The blocking made complete no contact easier for sure, and I was already moving towards that point thanks to therapy. My sessions reframed the victims in the narrative; unsurprisingly, it was only my brother and me as we were helpless children.
He’s the only person in my whole family who escaped the block list. Unfortunately, our relationship has become more shallow over time. He has little interest in my life, and he’s engulfed in learned helplessness and denial about our experiences. That’s damaged the connection we had as I’m (clearly) the opposite and prefer not to bury my head in the sand. I get it; denial is much easier at the time.
It’s all a huge shame, but it’s not within my control, nor is it my responsibility to save him from that situation. That sounds flippant (and still feels a little wrong to say, fighting the saviour!), but I’ve wanted and offered to help in the past, believe me. So that’s a yay for #6 in the present! I still have hope that he’ll get out and to a therapist, but we’ll see.
It’s a strange feeling not having a typical family, and it can feel incredibly isolating when everyone else is enjoying Christmas and events with their families. Every Christmas is like a grieving period as I have a fair amount of trauma related to that time of year anyway. It’s slowly improving, though.
Still, I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people, and I’m happy to call them my family. They have my best interests at heart and love me. None of that “after all I sacrificed for you” bullshit. (Yep, direct birthday message quote, that was a fun one.)
Pro tip: You brought your child into the world, don’t make them feel like they owe you for that. If they’re anything like me, they’d rather not have been born with parental shittiness like that. Even if you don’t like your kid, that’s your responsibility to bear with therapy.
9. I followed two of my dreams ❤
After almost three decades of shit, it’s really nice to finally be able to look at my life and breathe out. To just take in the breeze, the birdsong, and feel (somewhat) at peace. To finally feel very little real dread.
The first dream was a dog; I have two of those now! They’re both Romanian rescue pups, and they’re amazing. Cassi was the first, and she arrived in May 2021. I noticed differences in my confidence and mental health within the first month, and I started seeking freelance work.
I quit that job. I’m now full-time self-employed as a writer and editor. I did it! I’ve been passionate about writing since I was a kid, so to have that dream come true is beautiful. The funny thing is, I kinda fell into it. I didn’t plan on it; it was more of an, “Eh, I have the skills to do that gig, so why not try it?” From there, I secured long-term clients and realised how good and disciplined I actually am.
So, I’m grateful to my little Cassi every day because I don’t think I’d have had the confidence without her. She’s now got an adopted sister, Delphi.
Here they are, the adorable little dickheads:
I could write about these cute little shits all day, but I have a few existing blog posts for that ;) Here’s a silly one, and here’s my favourite. And here’s their Instagram if you’re so inclined! Cassi likes to show off her awoos, and Delphi enjoys screaming like a “distressed child”.
Pawfessional Vic tip: Get dogs. All the dogs.*
*Disclaimer: May have been written by dogs
10. Things got better
If you’d shown me my current life in a crystal ball ten years ago, I’d have guffawed and said, “See, I knew all this fortune-telling shit was pseudoscientific fuckery!” (Don’t get me started on pseudoscience. Or do, but prepare your brain.)
It’s not all sunshine and roses, obviously.
My brain is still a mess, but it’s much less of a mess. It wasn’t easy, and it required serious circumstantial changes (like quitting my job and moving house) and money (therapy is fuckin expensive), but I’m getting there.
*Mental note to get back onto CBT/DBT worksheets*
I have to stop myself from thinking about things like politics, climate change, and the cost-of-living crisis, or I’ll go even more certifiably insane. (I can shout about this shit all day, though.)
On the pawsitive side, having two beautiful dogs is lovely. We live in the countryside, surrounded by fields. We have a big garden for them to be silly in, too! They’re a challenge, don’t get me wrong, but they’re worth it. I laugh at their silliness daily, and watching them flourish is an absolute delight.
Being self-employed on my own schedule is fucking amazing. No more 7 am wake-ups for annoyingly long commutes. I typically work from 4 pm onwards. I get a long lie-in, time with my partner, and then I can settle into work during my most productive time. Like now, I’m writing this at 23:21! (Final edit: 01:22, you get my point.)
I also get to choose my clients. Any red flags at all? No, thank yoooou! I’m lucky to work with great clients who do super exciting work, including politics and healthcare. I can also fuck off into the garden with the girls whenever I want some fresh countryside air and silliness.
Most of the people in my life have earned their place here, so I’m surrounded by amazing people. My partner is my rock, and he had faith in me when I was like, “Okay, I’m finally fucking all this off. I’m going self-employed!” Of course, it wasn’t on a whim, and there was plenty of planning and budgeting. Still, it was nice to have the support when I took the plunge. My friends are amazing, and their love and support humble me regularly. ❤
No more rollercoasters, please; I have terrible motion sickness
So, that’s ten changes in ten years. It’s been a wild ride, and I wish it had been fewer rollercoasters and bumper cars (the teacups are the fucking worst, actually), more high-speed, smooth train journey without changes or delays (you can go for your strikes, though, I support redistribution of wealth and the downfall of capitalism, so more pay is a no-brainer.), but I got there in the end. We’ll see what the next ten years bring! (Anarchy, maybe?)
Lemme know if you’ve had any huge changes over the last ten years! Thanks for reading :)
